Happy Birthday to ME!

I can’t believe I am forty-two years old! I used to think that was so old, and now here I am, feeling just as young as I did twenty years ago (well almost).

So much has happened in this book of life that I am living. So many different chapters, different characters, so many different hopes and dreams and so many different ways that stories change.

I remember when I was growing up, that my birthday was such a BIG event! My mother always made a big deal out of the fact that was born and that it was her job to spoil me with love and affection. She would wake me up by singing “Happy Birthday” and we would laugh and act silly! Since my birthday was always in the summer, she always had something special planned for me that whole day. A lot of time it would involve swimming or going to the park. I think my birthday was the biggest day in her life each year, just as it was mine.

Now that I have children I completely understand that. I love to see them smile and will go to great lengths to put that smile there. Kids are such a blessing that it baffles me when I see couples who choose not to have them. I am sure they have their reasons, but I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything in the world!

I am a little sad today though, and I know it’s just something I have to get over. It’s funny because this is the first time in my life I have EVER worked on my birthday. I have always taken that day off as if it were a holiday of some sort. Nevertheless, here I am, on Monday June 22, 2009 – working.

I can think of only one person who could really turn this day around, but unfortunately I know that won’t happen. I won’t get a card or any flowers. I won’t get a phone call or an invitation to dinner. I won’t even get a text message or an email (except for that smart ass one I got this morning in response to one I sent last week). The idea of him doing absolutely anything to make this a truly “Happy” birthday is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I have come to terms with that, and I am okay even though it still cuts me like a knife at times.

So I guess today is really just another day. I am looking forward to seeing my children when I get home (one of which has yet to acknowledge that today is my day, the other I had to ask for a happy birthday greeting. I guess as I get older I realize that today is not really all about me at all. It’s just another day.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not having a pity party today and I am not in the least depressed…..I am just not anything special like my mother used to think. Maybe she knew that one day I would grow up and come to realize that so she wanted to create the best memories ever. Maybe she tried to instill in me that fact that this day is only what I make of it, and I need to take charge to see that those childhood feelings never fade. Maybe I need to just shut up and have another piece of monkey bread and quit thinking about all the things I don’t have and focus more on what I do have.

I do know that this year MUST bring change to my life. There are areas I need to work on and I am just not happy with so a change is a must. Almost like a New Year’s resolution, but we’ll call them Birthday Promises.

Got to COMPLETELY move on from this on again off again situation I keep finding myself in..
I have to focus on my health (including weight) and start paying more attention to exercise and eating habits.
I have to quit smoking – completely – some days I don’t smoke at all, and some I do. It’s nasty, it’s unhealthy and it’s expensive.
I have to devote more time and attention to the needs of my children and realize that there are plenty of areas that DON’T revolve around health issues that need my attention – mostly school work and study habits.
I have to work on getting my house in order – there are so many projects that need to be finished (cleaning, painting, yard work, de-cluttering, etc.)
I HAVE to get straighten out financially. It will be hard, but I need to buckle down and tighten up.
I have to find more time to devote to my God and my spiritual well being.

I guess that’s enough for now, seven things in not particular order, none of them easy that I need to work on in order to make ME a happier person.

Maybe that is the birthday present I give myself – a “to do” list. It will be interesting to see where we are this time next year.