alone

Lots of emotions going on right now…..

I have come to the realization that I am meant to be alone in this world. No I am not having a pity party, but just facing facts.

1. I am an only child. I would have loved to have grown up with a brother or a sister. To have someone who is a part of me, bonded by genes who I could count on no matter what. I have REALLY good friends that I love dearly, and I have AWESOME steps and sister-in-laws….but it’s different.

2. Oct. 1990 my mother and center of my world was diagnosed with cancer. She was 51 years old. I moved her in with me so I could help care for her until she got well. I had no idea that she was dying. Even when I was introduced to the word “Hospice”, I still didn’t realize what was happening. I had never dealt with anything like that before, and she did her best to make sure I was in the dark about just how bad she really was. On Saturday night, July 13th she was having such a hard time breathing that I could hear her from her bedroom upstairs all the way downstairs gasping for air. I comforted her, held her and slept in her room that night. She seems to be more comfortable as the night went on, and at some point around 4am I must have feel asleep. I woke up around 7am to find her cold and stiff. I have never forgiven myself for going to sleep that night, but if I know my mother she was probably waiting for me to drift off so she could let go. I miss her dearly. She died on July 14, 1991, twelve days before her 52nd birthday and the same day as our family reunion that she had so looked forward to attending.

3. I am divorced. Like many other women out there, I found myself in a marriage that was not only deceitful, but also dangerous. I was 29 years old when I married Kirk. I wanted so badly to have the happy little family and home life. I was so good to him and in return I got an abused, not just once or twice….but several times.

4. After several short lived relationships I finally met someone that I feel really could have been the one. The one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who as dysfunctional as he is, seemed to work with all of my issues too. The one who I loved completely – good and bad – issues and no issues – it just felt right. Someone with same core values that I have and who seemed to want the same things out of life. It all just worked. I loved him, loved his family, loved his kids…..and for whatever reason it’s gone. I have tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they don’t seem to fit anymore. I can honestly say, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else…..which leads me to believe once again that I am meant to be ALONE.

It really bothers me that I am so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the BEST kids in the world. I have the best friends in the world and I great family whom I love dearly. But for some reason, I just feel like am destine to walk this path in life without anyone by my side. I don’t understand it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Is this my punishment? Does it get worse?

It terrifies me what the future may hold. I am so scared of what FA is going to bring to our life and I know that one day I may have to deal with a much greater pain.

I am also terrified of just having a teenager. I cringe every time she gets behind the wheel of a car, or goes out with friends on a weekend night or prepares for senior year and then college. I pray every day for her safety and I know now why my mother was always a nervous wreck every time I left the house. I guess it just goes along with being a parent, but it’s scary.

I feel so blessed to have two wonderful children, family, friends, FA family and I hope that one day I will fill that void that is missing, but for now I just feel a little lonely and needed to vent.