It's been weeks since my last posting. Sometimes I get so caught up in the stress of everyday life that I let it consume me. I forget how unimportant some things are in the big picture that I get trapped focusing on the smaller stuff. For example, WORK! My day to day has been overwhelming, and I am fearful that my performance is not as stellar as it should/could be. I am reminded that sometimes less information about the "big picture" may be best, and I try to live life as normal as possible.
The truth is my life is not that normal, and my priority is not to anyone other than my children. My life is filled with doctors and decisions and the fear of the unknown. My life is filled with trying to educate myself on the latest and greatest, trying to following the stories of our Friends who are or have experienced some of the same obstacles. My life includes making contacts and giving back as much as possible.....even if it is just lending a shoulder. My life is filled with preparing for the best possible future, and researching the options.
How sad it is that I sometimes have to pretend all is well, when it may not be. I am so tired of trying to succeed in other areas of my life, when the only success that is important is the success of Will's transplant and making my children happy.
There just aren't enough hours in the day or enough time to really enjoy life when there are schedules to keep and stress to deal with. I hate that I have to do all of this alone. I hate that I don't have a partner to help carry the load. I hate that I feel like a failure sometimes for not being able to do it all......I just don't understand it.
I don't understand why I can't/don't have "that life"? You know.....that life where two people lead on each other and help each other deal with whatever life gives them. That life where the sole responsibility of EVERYTHING doesn't fall on my shoulders.
I see so many families who go through transplant and treatment, and they make it work because they are a team. It's not up to just one person to provide all the financial support or the insurance or the physical/emotional support.....they do it together. Why can't I have that? Why did God give me such a responsibility, without anyone to lean on? Why did he give me so much love in my heart, without anyone to share it with? I just don't get it.........
Just think how much better Will and Emily would have it if I had that "conventional family". That family that so many other people got.....but somehow we missed out.
I just feel like something is missing right now.
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4 comments:
I am sorry you are struggling with these feelings. It is difficult when you wish that your life was more "nomral" like others. We don't see the areas that they struggle with. I can appreciate where you are coming from Kayla. Many times I wish I had the more "conventional life" that many others have around me but I don't. Bless you heaps. I am glad you have a place to voice your thoughts and express. Sorry I didn't know about this blog until now.
Love Charisse
((((Huggers))))
You are never alone!!! God is always there with you.......and sends you friends to help you and we are here whenever you need an ear!!!!
Blessings and Big Ole Bear Hugs!
We missed you so much the weekend on mix# 65. You are so precious and no, you are NOT alone. God and your many others, VDC community, are here for you! We lifted you and your family up daily on the weekend and will continue to do so! God will place someone in your life in HIS time! Remember HIS time is perfect! I love you and hope to see you soon. Please plan to come the Kimball for the Ultreya on Sat. Jan 3rd. LOVE YA!
I'm only reading this now...and I'm so sorry. But it's small wonder you feel that way. I'm not going to start saying I understand because I don't and I so wish you weren't alone in this - but, whil eit is certainly true that your life is different from others, in good and bad ways, I have had the experience that those "conventional" families, where 2 partners seem to share everything, are hardly ever what they look like, In many, many cases (not all) it's just make-believe, putting up a show for the public. So...while I do believe there are great families out there and I keep hoping you will find someone to help you - in the meantime you could also try and see it this way: you don't have to deal with a nagging partner who, maybe meaning well, is still always going to involve you in discussions you don't have the energy for because you already have enough to deal with. You don't have to make compromises you're not enirely happy with and still feel you have to make. You don't have to put up with someone who feels "left out" - you are the one in charge. It must be scary, frustrating and I don't know what else - but I think it's also a blessing.
Feel sorry for yourself, you deserve it like no-one lese I know. You're also one of the strongest, most awesome people I know.
I hope I'm getting this across the right way! xoxo
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