I can’t believe I am forty-two years old! I used to think that was so old, and now here I am, feeling just as young as I did twenty years ago (well almost).
So much has happened in this book of life that I am living. So many different chapters, different characters, so many different hopes and dreams and so many different ways that stories change.
I remember when I was growing up, that my birthday was such a BIG event! My mother always made a big deal out of the fact that was born and that it was her job to spoil me with love and affection. She would wake me up by singing “Happy Birthday” and we would laugh and act silly! Since my birthday was always in the summer, she always had something special planned for me that whole day. A lot of time it would involve swimming or going to the park. I think my birthday was the biggest day in her life each year, just as it was mine.
Now that I have children I completely understand that. I love to see them smile and will go to great lengths to put that smile there. Kids are such a blessing that it baffles me when I see couples who choose not to have them. I am sure they have their reasons, but I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything in the world!
I am a little sad today though, and I know it’s just something I have to get over. It’s funny because this is the first time in my life I have EVER worked on my birthday. I have always taken that day off as if it were a holiday of some sort. Nevertheless, here I am, on Monday June 22, 2009 – working.
I can think of only one person who could really turn this day around, but unfortunately I know that won’t happen. I won’t get a card or any flowers. I won’t get a phone call or an invitation to dinner. I won’t even get a text message or an email (except for that smart ass one I got this morning in response to one I sent last week). The idea of him doing absolutely anything to make this a truly “Happy” birthday is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I have come to terms with that, and I am okay even though it still cuts me like a knife at times.
So I guess today is really just another day. I am looking forward to seeing my children when I get home (one of which has yet to acknowledge that today is my day, the other I had to ask for a happy birthday greeting. I guess as I get older I realize that today is not really all about me at all. It’s just another day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not having a pity party today and I am not in the least depressed…..I am just not anything special like my mother used to think. Maybe she knew that one day I would grow up and come to realize that so she wanted to create the best memories ever. Maybe she tried to instill in me that fact that this day is only what I make of it, and I need to take charge to see that those childhood feelings never fade. Maybe I need to just shut up and have another piece of monkey bread and quit thinking about all the things I don’t have and focus more on what I do have.
I do know that this year MUST bring change to my life. There are areas I need to work on and I am just not happy with so a change is a must. Almost like a New Year’s resolution, but we’ll call them Birthday Promises.
Got to COMPLETELY move on from this on again off again situation I keep finding myself in..
I have to focus on my health (including weight) and start paying more attention to exercise and eating habits.
I have to quit smoking – completely – some days I don’t smoke at all, and some I do. It’s nasty, it’s unhealthy and it’s expensive.
I have to devote more time and attention to the needs of my children and realize that there are plenty of areas that DON’T revolve around health issues that need my attention – mostly school work and study habits.
I have to work on getting my house in order – there are so many projects that need to be finished (cleaning, painting, yard work, de-cluttering, etc.)
I HAVE to get straighten out financially. It will be hard, but I need to buckle down and tighten up.
I have to find more time to devote to my God and my spiritual well being.
I guess that’s enough for now, seven things in not particular order, none of them easy that I need to work on in order to make ME a happier person.
Maybe that is the birthday present I give myself – a “to do” list. It will be interesting to see where we are this time next year.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
alone
Lots of emotions going on right now…..
I have come to the realization that I am meant to be alone in this world. No I am not having a pity party, but just facing facts.
1. I am an only child. I would have loved to have grown up with a brother or a sister. To have someone who is a part of me, bonded by genes who I could count on no matter what. I have REALLY good friends that I love dearly, and I have AWESOME steps and sister-in-laws….but it’s different.
2. Oct. 1990 my mother and center of my world was diagnosed with cancer. She was 51 years old. I moved her in with me so I could help care for her until she got well. I had no idea that she was dying. Even when I was introduced to the word “Hospice”, I still didn’t realize what was happening. I had never dealt with anything like that before, and she did her best to make sure I was in the dark about just how bad she really was. On Saturday night, July 13th she was having such a hard time breathing that I could hear her from her bedroom upstairs all the way downstairs gasping for air. I comforted her, held her and slept in her room that night. She seems to be more comfortable as the night went on, and at some point around 4am I must have feel asleep. I woke up around 7am to find her cold and stiff. I have never forgiven myself for going to sleep that night, but if I know my mother she was probably waiting for me to drift off so she could let go. I miss her dearly. She died on July 14, 1991, twelve days before her 52nd birthday and the same day as our family reunion that she had so looked forward to attending.
3. I am divorced. Like many other women out there, I found myself in a marriage that was not only deceitful, but also dangerous. I was 29 years old when I married Kirk. I wanted so badly to have the happy little family and home life. I was so good to him and in return I got an abused, not just once or twice….but several times.
4. After several short lived relationships I finally met someone that I feel really could have been the one. The one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who as dysfunctional as he is, seemed to work with all of my issues too. The one who I loved completely – good and bad – issues and no issues – it just felt right. Someone with same core values that I have and who seemed to want the same things out of life. It all just worked. I loved him, loved his family, loved his kids…..and for whatever reason it’s gone. I have tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they don’t seem to fit anymore. I can honestly say, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else…..which leads me to believe once again that I am meant to be ALONE.
It really bothers me that I am so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the BEST kids in the world. I have the best friends in the world and I great family whom I love dearly. But for some reason, I just feel like am destine to walk this path in life without anyone by my side. I don’t understand it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Is this my punishment? Does it get worse?
It terrifies me what the future may hold. I am so scared of what FA is going to bring to our life and I know that one day I may have to deal with a much greater pain.
I am also terrified of just having a teenager. I cringe every time she gets behind the wheel of a car, or goes out with friends on a weekend night or prepares for senior year and then college. I pray every day for her safety and I know now why my mother was always a nervous wreck every time I left the house. I guess it just goes along with being a parent, but it’s scary.
I feel so blessed to have two wonderful children, family, friends, FA family and I hope that one day I will fill that void that is missing, but for now I just feel a little lonely and needed to vent.
I have come to the realization that I am meant to be alone in this world. No I am not having a pity party, but just facing facts.
1. I am an only child. I would have loved to have grown up with a brother or a sister. To have someone who is a part of me, bonded by genes who I could count on no matter what. I have REALLY good friends that I love dearly, and I have AWESOME steps and sister-in-laws….but it’s different.
2. Oct. 1990 my mother and center of my world was diagnosed with cancer. She was 51 years old. I moved her in with me so I could help care for her until she got well. I had no idea that she was dying. Even when I was introduced to the word “Hospice”, I still didn’t realize what was happening. I had never dealt with anything like that before, and she did her best to make sure I was in the dark about just how bad she really was. On Saturday night, July 13th she was having such a hard time breathing that I could hear her from her bedroom upstairs all the way downstairs gasping for air. I comforted her, held her and slept in her room that night. She seems to be more comfortable as the night went on, and at some point around 4am I must have feel asleep. I woke up around 7am to find her cold and stiff. I have never forgiven myself for going to sleep that night, but if I know my mother she was probably waiting for me to drift off so she could let go. I miss her dearly. She died on July 14, 1991, twelve days before her 52nd birthday and the same day as our family reunion that she had so looked forward to attending.
3. I am divorced. Like many other women out there, I found myself in a marriage that was not only deceitful, but also dangerous. I was 29 years old when I married Kirk. I wanted so badly to have the happy little family and home life. I was so good to him and in return I got an abused, not just once or twice….but several times.
4. After several short lived relationships I finally met someone that I feel really could have been the one. The one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who as dysfunctional as he is, seemed to work with all of my issues too. The one who I loved completely – good and bad – issues and no issues – it just felt right. Someone with same core values that I have and who seemed to want the same things out of life. It all just worked. I loved him, loved his family, loved his kids…..and for whatever reason it’s gone. I have tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they don’t seem to fit anymore. I can honestly say, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else…..which leads me to believe once again that I am meant to be ALONE.
It really bothers me that I am so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the BEST kids in the world. I have the best friends in the world and I great family whom I love dearly. But for some reason, I just feel like am destine to walk this path in life without anyone by my side. I don’t understand it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Is this my punishment? Does it get worse?
It terrifies me what the future may hold. I am so scared of what FA is going to bring to our life and I know that one day I may have to deal with a much greater pain.
I am also terrified of just having a teenager. I cringe every time she gets behind the wheel of a car, or goes out with friends on a weekend night or prepares for senior year and then college. I pray every day for her safety and I know now why my mother was always a nervous wreck every time I left the house. I guess it just goes along with being a parent, but it’s scary.
I feel so blessed to have two wonderful children, family, friends, FA family and I hope that one day I will fill that void that is missing, but for now I just feel a little lonely and needed to vent.
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