It's been weeks since my last posting. Sometimes I get so caught up in the stress of everyday life that I let it consume me. I forget how unimportant some things are in the big picture that I get trapped focusing on the smaller stuff. For example, WORK! My day to day has been overwhelming, and I am fearful that my performance is not as stellar as it should/could be. I am reminded that sometimes less information about the "big picture" may be best, and I try to live life as normal as possible.
The truth is my life is not that normal, and my priority is not to anyone other than my children. My life is filled with doctors and decisions and the fear of the unknown. My life is filled with trying to educate myself on the latest and greatest, trying to following the stories of our Friends who are or have experienced some of the same obstacles. My life includes making contacts and giving back as much as possible.....even if it is just lending a shoulder. My life is filled with preparing for the best possible future, and researching the options.
How sad it is that I sometimes have to pretend all is well, when it may not be. I am so tired of trying to succeed in other areas of my life, when the only success that is important is the success of Will's transplant and making my children happy.
There just aren't enough hours in the day or enough time to really enjoy life when there are schedules to keep and stress to deal with. I hate that I have to do all of this alone. I hate that I don't have a partner to help carry the load. I hate that I feel like a failure sometimes for not being able to do it all......I just don't understand it.
I don't understand why I can't/don't have "that life"? You know.....that life where two people lead on each other and help each other deal with whatever life gives them. That life where the sole responsibility of EVERYTHING doesn't fall on my shoulders.
I see so many families who go through transplant and treatment, and they make it work because they are a team. It's not up to just one person to provide all the financial support or the insurance or the physical/emotional support.....they do it together. Why can't I have that? Why did God give me such a responsibility, without anyone to lean on? Why did he give me so much love in my heart, without anyone to share it with? I just don't get it.........
Just think how much better Will and Emily would have it if I had that "conventional family". That family that so many other people got.....but somehow we missed out.
I just feel like something is missing right now.
Friday, November 14, 2008
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