This has certainly been a week of tears! I just finished watching Primetime. It was a tribute to Randy Pausch and his life. What an incredible man. I first watched his "Last Lecture" a few months ago. I was touched so much. This man who was dying, standing on stage talking about life and living it! I have done nothing tonight but cry as I watched him live out the final months of his life, with his loving wife and children.
He said something about how it's not the hand your dealt, but how you play it. What a great outlook. I wish I could be more like him and find that positive attitude that some say I am known for. It's just not there right now, but I know it's in there somewhere.
If you were to look at my house it is a mess. It has been for quite some time now. I don't have any desire to clean it up. I don't have a desire to workout, to go anywhere or to do anything. I am just "blah" right now.
To be really honest, I have stopped taking my antidepressant medicine. It's been about a month in a half and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I never really thought I needed it, but now I wonder. I stopped taking it because this crappy insurance I have at work won't cover it and it's over $300 a month. I know that may not be a good reason to some, but for someone who literally lives paycheck to paycheck that's the best I can do. Hopefully I will level out at things will get back to normal (whatever that is).
We are heading to Cincinnati on Thursday. Will has appointments on Friday and then back home on Saturday. It's busy, and it doesn't help being out of work (no PTO), but we need to be there so we're going. Camp Sunshine is next week, which is another 3 days out of work. Sorry if I am harping on money, but that is a big issue right now.
Will seems to be feeling okay. He had two nose bleeds two days in a row. That really concerns me. It seems to happen when he is swimming for some reason. Other than that he is doing good.
I hope to get the book "The Last Lecture" soon. I hope maybe it will help me get back on track, not only for my sake but for Will's too.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Happy Birthday Mother!
WOW! Today would have been your 69th Birthday! Had you still been here I am sure we would have celebrated in style! I am also sure that I would have teased you about being so old, knowing that you were just a beautiful as ever! I bet you would have you a new boyfriend (or husband) and we would all go out to dinner tonight and then out to a bar somewhere for dancing and cocktails....and more dancing! I remember when you won that dance contest at Country City U.S.A! You loved to dance!!!
I miss you mom. I need you so much and even after 17 years it hurts sometimes. Some days are harder than others, and today is one of the hardest I have had in awhile. I am so scared of what is happening to my baby and I wish you could just wrap your arms around me and tell me it is all going to be okay. Will is doing okay, but this terrible disease is so unpredictable. Fanconi Anemia has changed our lives, and it is my biggest fear. I wish I knew what to do, when to do it, where to do and that all of my decisions would be the right ones.
I wish so much you were here to go through this with me. I feel so alone. I have friends, but I don't think they really understand...they try. I have my FAmily, I don't know what I would do without them. We are getting ready for our annual family reunion, otherwise know as the Fanconi Anemia Family Meeting. It's at Camp Sunshine in Maine. Boy I know you would like there! You would fit right in and there is no doubt that you would be there, right by my side, supporting me all the way.
You know so often I hear "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to say that is a the stupidest comment I have ever heard! I somestimes can't handle it Mother. I sometimes wonder "why" do we have to go through all this BS and why are you not here to help me! It's hard.
I know you are in a much better place and I know that your spirit is always here with me. You are in my heart!
Happy Birthday Mother! I will thinking of you today and I will find a way to smile because I know you are cancer free and free from all the worries of this world we live in.
I love you!
I miss you mom. I need you so much and even after 17 years it hurts sometimes. Some days are harder than others, and today is one of the hardest I have had in awhile. I am so scared of what is happening to my baby and I wish you could just wrap your arms around me and tell me it is all going to be okay. Will is doing okay, but this terrible disease is so unpredictable. Fanconi Anemia has changed our lives, and it is my biggest fear. I wish I knew what to do, when to do it, where to do and that all of my decisions would be the right ones.
I wish so much you were here to go through this with me. I feel so alone. I have friends, but I don't think they really understand...they try. I have my FAmily, I don't know what I would do without them. We are getting ready for our annual family reunion, otherwise know as the Fanconi Anemia Family Meeting. It's at Camp Sunshine in Maine. Boy I know you would like there! You would fit right in and there is no doubt that you would be there, right by my side, supporting me all the way.
You know so often I hear "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and I have to say that is a the stupidest comment I have ever heard! I somestimes can't handle it Mother. I sometimes wonder "why" do we have to go through all this BS and why are you not here to help me! It's hard.
I know you are in a much better place and I know that your spirit is always here with me. You are in my heart!
Happy Birthday Mother! I will thinking of you today and I will find a way to smile because I know you are cancer free and free from all the worries of this world we live in.
I love you!
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