It's been awhile since I last posted. In going back and re-reading several of my previous posting I have noticed a theme.....I seem like a very lonely person! I find that interesting because I don't consider myself lonely, but I do feel a lone sometimes. I consider myself very blessed and I can usually find something good about just every situation.
I have come to realize that something is indeed missing from my life. For years now I have thought that "something" was a husband. Someone to travel this path with, someone to depend on, someone to be there for me no matter what, someone who would love me as much as I love them. This is what every girl dreams of, isn't it??
I don't know when it hit me, or why I never really noticed it but all of those things I have been waiting for, dreaming of and missing for so long have been right in front of me that whole time!! I do have someone who is with me at all times and who will never foresake me. His name is Jesus and I haven't been as faithful or committed to him as I should have been, yet he understands and he forgives me.
I feel like I am on the virge of something big. Like something is about to happen in my life, and it's exciting! I am overwhelmed with a since of love and compassion and I am thirsty for more knowledge. I want to be a better person, a better mother, a better Christian. I want to experience God's grace on a deeper level than ever before and I want to share his love with others.
I am beginning to understand what happiness truly feels like. It's a good feeling!
I am not saying I won't have those days.....I will....but I am learning that I don't have to do this alone, and I am beginning to understand that I never was.
Will Power
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy Birthday to ME!
I can’t believe I am forty-two years old! I used to think that was so old, and now here I am, feeling just as young as I did twenty years ago (well almost).
So much has happened in this book of life that I am living. So many different chapters, different characters, so many different hopes and dreams and so many different ways that stories change.
I remember when I was growing up, that my birthday was such a BIG event! My mother always made a big deal out of the fact that was born and that it was her job to spoil me with love and affection. She would wake me up by singing “Happy Birthday” and we would laugh and act silly! Since my birthday was always in the summer, she always had something special planned for me that whole day. A lot of time it would involve swimming or going to the park. I think my birthday was the biggest day in her life each year, just as it was mine.
Now that I have children I completely understand that. I love to see them smile and will go to great lengths to put that smile there. Kids are such a blessing that it baffles me when I see couples who choose not to have them. I am sure they have their reasons, but I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything in the world!
I am a little sad today though, and I know it’s just something I have to get over. It’s funny because this is the first time in my life I have EVER worked on my birthday. I have always taken that day off as if it were a holiday of some sort. Nevertheless, here I am, on Monday June 22, 2009 – working.
I can think of only one person who could really turn this day around, but unfortunately I know that won’t happen. I won’t get a card or any flowers. I won’t get a phone call or an invitation to dinner. I won’t even get a text message or an email (except for that smart ass one I got this morning in response to one I sent last week). The idea of him doing absolutely anything to make this a truly “Happy” birthday is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I have come to terms with that, and I am okay even though it still cuts me like a knife at times.
So I guess today is really just another day. I am looking forward to seeing my children when I get home (one of which has yet to acknowledge that today is my day, the other I had to ask for a happy birthday greeting. I guess as I get older I realize that today is not really all about me at all. It’s just another day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not having a pity party today and I am not in the least depressed…..I am just not anything special like my mother used to think. Maybe she knew that one day I would grow up and come to realize that so she wanted to create the best memories ever. Maybe she tried to instill in me that fact that this day is only what I make of it, and I need to take charge to see that those childhood feelings never fade. Maybe I need to just shut up and have another piece of monkey bread and quit thinking about all the things I don’t have and focus more on what I do have.
I do know that this year MUST bring change to my life. There are areas I need to work on and I am just not happy with so a change is a must. Almost like a New Year’s resolution, but we’ll call them Birthday Promises.
Got to COMPLETELY move on from this on again off again situation I keep finding myself in..
I have to focus on my health (including weight) and start paying more attention to exercise and eating habits.
I have to quit smoking – completely – some days I don’t smoke at all, and some I do. It’s nasty, it’s unhealthy and it’s expensive.
I have to devote more time and attention to the needs of my children and realize that there are plenty of areas that DON’T revolve around health issues that need my attention – mostly school work and study habits.
I have to work on getting my house in order – there are so many projects that need to be finished (cleaning, painting, yard work, de-cluttering, etc.)
I HAVE to get straighten out financially. It will be hard, but I need to buckle down and tighten up.
I have to find more time to devote to my God and my spiritual well being.
I guess that’s enough for now, seven things in not particular order, none of them easy that I need to work on in order to make ME a happier person.
Maybe that is the birthday present I give myself – a “to do” list. It will be interesting to see where we are this time next year.
So much has happened in this book of life that I am living. So many different chapters, different characters, so many different hopes and dreams and so many different ways that stories change.
I remember when I was growing up, that my birthday was such a BIG event! My mother always made a big deal out of the fact that was born and that it was her job to spoil me with love and affection. She would wake me up by singing “Happy Birthday” and we would laugh and act silly! Since my birthday was always in the summer, she always had something special planned for me that whole day. A lot of time it would involve swimming or going to the park. I think my birthday was the biggest day in her life each year, just as it was mine.
Now that I have children I completely understand that. I love to see them smile and will go to great lengths to put that smile there. Kids are such a blessing that it baffles me when I see couples who choose not to have them. I am sure they have their reasons, but I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything in the world!
I am a little sad today though, and I know it’s just something I have to get over. It’s funny because this is the first time in my life I have EVER worked on my birthday. I have always taken that day off as if it were a holiday of some sort. Nevertheless, here I am, on Monday June 22, 2009 – working.
I can think of only one person who could really turn this day around, but unfortunately I know that won’t happen. I won’t get a card or any flowers. I won’t get a phone call or an invitation to dinner. I won’t even get a text message or an email (except for that smart ass one I got this morning in response to one I sent last week). The idea of him doing absolutely anything to make this a truly “Happy” birthday is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I have come to terms with that, and I am okay even though it still cuts me like a knife at times.
So I guess today is really just another day. I am looking forward to seeing my children when I get home (one of which has yet to acknowledge that today is my day, the other I had to ask for a happy birthday greeting. I guess as I get older I realize that today is not really all about me at all. It’s just another day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not having a pity party today and I am not in the least depressed…..I am just not anything special like my mother used to think. Maybe she knew that one day I would grow up and come to realize that so she wanted to create the best memories ever. Maybe she tried to instill in me that fact that this day is only what I make of it, and I need to take charge to see that those childhood feelings never fade. Maybe I need to just shut up and have another piece of monkey bread and quit thinking about all the things I don’t have and focus more on what I do have.
I do know that this year MUST bring change to my life. There are areas I need to work on and I am just not happy with so a change is a must. Almost like a New Year’s resolution, but we’ll call them Birthday Promises.
Got to COMPLETELY move on from this on again off again situation I keep finding myself in..
I have to focus on my health (including weight) and start paying more attention to exercise and eating habits.
I have to quit smoking – completely – some days I don’t smoke at all, and some I do. It’s nasty, it’s unhealthy and it’s expensive.
I have to devote more time and attention to the needs of my children and realize that there are plenty of areas that DON’T revolve around health issues that need my attention – mostly school work and study habits.
I have to work on getting my house in order – there are so many projects that need to be finished (cleaning, painting, yard work, de-cluttering, etc.)
I HAVE to get straighten out financially. It will be hard, but I need to buckle down and tighten up.
I have to find more time to devote to my God and my spiritual well being.
I guess that’s enough for now, seven things in not particular order, none of them easy that I need to work on in order to make ME a happier person.
Maybe that is the birthday present I give myself – a “to do” list. It will be interesting to see where we are this time next year.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
alone
Lots of emotions going on right now…..
I have come to the realization that I am meant to be alone in this world. No I am not having a pity party, but just facing facts.
1. I am an only child. I would have loved to have grown up with a brother or a sister. To have someone who is a part of me, bonded by genes who I could count on no matter what. I have REALLY good friends that I love dearly, and I have AWESOME steps and sister-in-laws….but it’s different.
2. Oct. 1990 my mother and center of my world was diagnosed with cancer. She was 51 years old. I moved her in with me so I could help care for her until she got well. I had no idea that she was dying. Even when I was introduced to the word “Hospice”, I still didn’t realize what was happening. I had never dealt with anything like that before, and she did her best to make sure I was in the dark about just how bad she really was. On Saturday night, July 13th she was having such a hard time breathing that I could hear her from her bedroom upstairs all the way downstairs gasping for air. I comforted her, held her and slept in her room that night. She seems to be more comfortable as the night went on, and at some point around 4am I must have feel asleep. I woke up around 7am to find her cold and stiff. I have never forgiven myself for going to sleep that night, but if I know my mother she was probably waiting for me to drift off so she could let go. I miss her dearly. She died on July 14, 1991, twelve days before her 52nd birthday and the same day as our family reunion that she had so looked forward to attending.
3. I am divorced. Like many other women out there, I found myself in a marriage that was not only deceitful, but also dangerous. I was 29 years old when I married Kirk. I wanted so badly to have the happy little family and home life. I was so good to him and in return I got an abused, not just once or twice….but several times.
4. After several short lived relationships I finally met someone that I feel really could have been the one. The one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who as dysfunctional as he is, seemed to work with all of my issues too. The one who I loved completely – good and bad – issues and no issues – it just felt right. Someone with same core values that I have and who seemed to want the same things out of life. It all just worked. I loved him, loved his family, loved his kids…..and for whatever reason it’s gone. I have tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they don’t seem to fit anymore. I can honestly say, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else…..which leads me to believe once again that I am meant to be ALONE.
It really bothers me that I am so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the BEST kids in the world. I have the best friends in the world and I great family whom I love dearly. But for some reason, I just feel like am destine to walk this path in life without anyone by my side. I don’t understand it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Is this my punishment? Does it get worse?
It terrifies me what the future may hold. I am so scared of what FA is going to bring to our life and I know that one day I may have to deal with a much greater pain.
I am also terrified of just having a teenager. I cringe every time she gets behind the wheel of a car, or goes out with friends on a weekend night or prepares for senior year and then college. I pray every day for her safety and I know now why my mother was always a nervous wreck every time I left the house. I guess it just goes along with being a parent, but it’s scary.
I feel so blessed to have two wonderful children, family, friends, FA family and I hope that one day I will fill that void that is missing, but for now I just feel a little lonely and needed to vent.
I have come to the realization that I am meant to be alone in this world. No I am not having a pity party, but just facing facts.
1. I am an only child. I would have loved to have grown up with a brother or a sister. To have someone who is a part of me, bonded by genes who I could count on no matter what. I have REALLY good friends that I love dearly, and I have AWESOME steps and sister-in-laws….but it’s different.
2. Oct. 1990 my mother and center of my world was diagnosed with cancer. She was 51 years old. I moved her in with me so I could help care for her until she got well. I had no idea that she was dying. Even when I was introduced to the word “Hospice”, I still didn’t realize what was happening. I had never dealt with anything like that before, and she did her best to make sure I was in the dark about just how bad she really was. On Saturday night, July 13th she was having such a hard time breathing that I could hear her from her bedroom upstairs all the way downstairs gasping for air. I comforted her, held her and slept in her room that night. She seems to be more comfortable as the night went on, and at some point around 4am I must have feel asleep. I woke up around 7am to find her cold and stiff. I have never forgiven myself for going to sleep that night, but if I know my mother she was probably waiting for me to drift off so she could let go. I miss her dearly. She died on July 14, 1991, twelve days before her 52nd birthday and the same day as our family reunion that she had so looked forward to attending.
3. I am divorced. Like many other women out there, I found myself in a marriage that was not only deceitful, but also dangerous. I was 29 years old when I married Kirk. I wanted so badly to have the happy little family and home life. I was so good to him and in return I got an abused, not just once or twice….but several times.
4. After several short lived relationships I finally met someone that I feel really could have been the one. The one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who as dysfunctional as he is, seemed to work with all of my issues too. The one who I loved completely – good and bad – issues and no issues – it just felt right. Someone with same core values that I have and who seemed to want the same things out of life. It all just worked. I loved him, loved his family, loved his kids…..and for whatever reason it’s gone. I have tried so hard to put the pieces back together, but they don’t seem to fit anymore. I can honestly say, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else…..which leads me to believe once again that I am meant to be ALONE.
It really bothers me that I am so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the BEST kids in the world. I have the best friends in the world and I great family whom I love dearly. But for some reason, I just feel like am destine to walk this path in life without anyone by my side. I don’t understand it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Is this my punishment? Does it get worse?
It terrifies me what the future may hold. I am so scared of what FA is going to bring to our life and I know that one day I may have to deal with a much greater pain.
I am also terrified of just having a teenager. I cringe every time she gets behind the wheel of a car, or goes out with friends on a weekend night or prepares for senior year and then college. I pray every day for her safety and I know now why my mother was always a nervous wreck every time I left the house. I guess it just goes along with being a parent, but it’s scary.
I feel so blessed to have two wonderful children, family, friends, FA family and I hope that one day I will fill that void that is missing, but for now I just feel a little lonely and needed to vent.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Happy Birthday Will
“it’s conclusive, your son has Fanconi Anemia”…..
Those are the words I heard on September 25, 2002. I also heard that “statistically, kids experience bone marrow failure by the age of 7” and “without a successful transplant, his life expectancy is 12 years old”, and let’s not forget “leukemia would be a walk in the park compared to what he’s up against”.
Never in a million years did I expect to be celebrating WILL’S 11th BIRTHDAY……and for today, he is HEALTHY!
This is a good day for us. I am sure next year when he hits twelve I will be even more overjoyed!
When you are told from the beginning that there really isn’t much of a future and that your son only has a 20% chance of surviving and then IF he does survive a bone marrow transplant he will have an EXTREMELY high chance that he will die of cancer before the age of 22.…you tend to enjoy life and the little things it has to offer a lot more.
I do have to say that Will isn’t really beating the odds, the odds are changing and they in the medical/research field are progressing each and everyday. Medical years are world apart from calendar years and we have come so far. It’s very exciting to see all of this progress unfold right before our very eyes. It’s exciting to see the direction that we are heading and to think that maybe….just maybe…..we will one day have a cure.
We are in a good place and I am so excited to be able to sit back and smile, and enjoy this wonderful day!
Will’s birthday!
Those are the words I heard on September 25, 2002. I also heard that “statistically, kids experience bone marrow failure by the age of 7” and “without a successful transplant, his life expectancy is 12 years old”, and let’s not forget “leukemia would be a walk in the park compared to what he’s up against”.
Never in a million years did I expect to be celebrating WILL’S 11th BIRTHDAY……and for today, he is HEALTHY!
This is a good day for us. I am sure next year when he hits twelve I will be even more overjoyed!
When you are told from the beginning that there really isn’t much of a future and that your son only has a 20% chance of surviving and then IF he does survive a bone marrow transplant he will have an EXTREMELY high chance that he will die of cancer before the age of 22.…you tend to enjoy life and the little things it has to offer a lot more.
I do have to say that Will isn’t really beating the odds, the odds are changing and they in the medical/research field are progressing each and everyday. Medical years are world apart from calendar years and we have come so far. It’s very exciting to see all of this progress unfold right before our very eyes. It’s exciting to see the direction that we are heading and to think that maybe….just maybe…..we will one day have a cure.
We are in a good place and I am so excited to be able to sit back and smile, and enjoy this wonderful day!
Will’s birthday!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy Freking New Year.....and all that....
Another year has come and gone, and to honest I can’t say that I am sad to see it go. This has been one of the worst years of my life. In the course of one year
1. I have lost my job and had to take a another job with a HUGE difference in pay
2. Patrick and I broke up and shattered any dreams of building a life with him and his family
3. I have found myself in a financial bind that seems like a bottomless pit
4. I had a huge scare when it appeared that Will was beginning to lost his response to Oxandrolone which prompted a round of visit to several of the transplant centers to discuss next steps
5. I have gained over 30lbs mostly due to stress and coming off of my antidepressants and hardly have anything that fits
6. I have started a new job that has an unbelievable amount of stress and uncertainty
7. I have broken my laptop
8. I have had numerous things around the house to break including the oven, dishwasher, front glass door, weather stripping, and more I am sure.
9. I was unable to go to VDC, which is something I was so looking forward too
10. I was introduced to the wonderful world of COBRA!!!
11. and to top it all off I have found myself in such a rut in my relationship with God that I am not sure how to overcome
Needless to say it’s been on hell of a year!
I know what most will say, focus on the positive and think about all the great things I do have for example I have two beautiful children who love me so much. Will is doing so great with the increase in his dosage that his counts are better than expected. I have a lot to be thankful for and please don’t get me wrong, I AM SO GRATEFUL but sometimes you just need to sulk a little and have a “why me” heart to heart with yourself. I think reflecting on what I will call one of the worst years ever will ultimate help me regroup and focus on how to move forward.
So what’s the motto going to be for 2009? Feeling Fine in 2009? Let It Shine in 09? Speak Your Mind in 2009? Let’s Realign in 09? Or maybe “Drink More Wine in 2009!?!
Whatever the motto is, I am looking forward to moving on because no matter what they say it wasn’t all that great in 2008!
Happy New Year!
1. I have lost my job and had to take a another job with a HUGE difference in pay
2. Patrick and I broke up and shattered any dreams of building a life with him and his family
3. I have found myself in a financial bind that seems like a bottomless pit
4. I had a huge scare when it appeared that Will was beginning to lost his response to Oxandrolone which prompted a round of visit to several of the transplant centers to discuss next steps
5. I have gained over 30lbs mostly due to stress and coming off of my antidepressants and hardly have anything that fits
6. I have started a new job that has an unbelievable amount of stress and uncertainty
7. I have broken my laptop
8. I have had numerous things around the house to break including the oven, dishwasher, front glass door, weather stripping, and more I am sure.
9. I was unable to go to VDC, which is something I was so looking forward too
10. I was introduced to the wonderful world of COBRA!!!
11. and to top it all off I have found myself in such a rut in my relationship with God that I am not sure how to overcome
Needless to say it’s been on hell of a year!
I know what most will say, focus on the positive and think about all the great things I do have for example I have two beautiful children who love me so much. Will is doing so great with the increase in his dosage that his counts are better than expected. I have a lot to be thankful for and please don’t get me wrong, I AM SO GRATEFUL but sometimes you just need to sulk a little and have a “why me” heart to heart with yourself. I think reflecting on what I will call one of the worst years ever will ultimate help me regroup and focus on how to move forward.
So what’s the motto going to be for 2009? Feeling Fine in 2009? Let It Shine in 09? Speak Your Mind in 2009? Let’s Realign in 09? Or maybe “Drink More Wine in 2009!?!
Whatever the motto is, I am looking forward to moving on because no matter what they say it wasn’t all that great in 2008!
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Happy Holidays
I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve! This season has been unlike any other, and it seems that I have not really had time to enjoy the holiday time like I usually do. I absolutely love Christmas. I love everything about it. I love shopping for the people I care about the most, and bringing joy to others. I usually have cards ready to go by December 1st and by this time we have usually gone to McAdenville at least 5 - 10 times and either driven or walked through. So far we have rode through once.
In the past when I was with the bank, we are usually slow and by December 15th it is quite and pretty much dead. I forgot what working in a Hotel was like during the Holidays and how it is rush rush with no time to do anything other than work. I have NEVER, and mean NEVER worked on Christmas, but this Christmas morning I will be in my office putting in my four hours in order to get paid. Same goes for Christmas Eve. I will be working until 4pm, after which we will rush to visit friends and then rush to Church.
My favorite service is the Christmas Eve candle light service. We always try to attend the late service. To me there is nothing quite like going to church on Christmas Eve, knowing that when it is over it is Christmas Day. I love singing Silent Night and seeing all the candles glowing. There is a peacefulness about that I am hoping I feel this year, since there hasn't been a lot of peacefulness lately.
I am trying so hard to have a good attitude and get in the spirit, but it is really difficult with all the stress. I somehow have to find a way to find that special place inside that I am missing. Seems like there is a lot missing, but I have to focus on the positive because in reality there is a lot of positive.
My kids are happy and we have such a great bond. My son is healthy and once again by the grace of God his counts are climbing upward. A friend of mine was visiting at my house and she commented on how much love there is in my home. I felt so bad for sometimes forgetting that, and for letting "life" get in the way. It's powerful to hear that from someone who comes in from the outside and looks in.
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year! I hope we can all learn how to slow down and live life and really enjoy it without all the distractions. I am going to make a commit to myself to get back to being ME and that starts by renewing my relationship with God.
I feel like I have lost myself along the way and in doing so I have lost a lot of what is important. I am not sure how, but somehow I am going to get back to that place....the 4th day.
GLYASDI,
Kayla
In the past when I was with the bank, we are usually slow and by December 15th it is quite and pretty much dead. I forgot what working in a Hotel was like during the Holidays and how it is rush rush with no time to do anything other than work. I have NEVER, and mean NEVER worked on Christmas, but this Christmas morning I will be in my office putting in my four hours in order to get paid. Same goes for Christmas Eve. I will be working until 4pm, after which we will rush to visit friends and then rush to Church.
My favorite service is the Christmas Eve candle light service. We always try to attend the late service. To me there is nothing quite like going to church on Christmas Eve, knowing that when it is over it is Christmas Day. I love singing Silent Night and seeing all the candles glowing. There is a peacefulness about that I am hoping I feel this year, since there hasn't been a lot of peacefulness lately.
I am trying so hard to have a good attitude and get in the spirit, but it is really difficult with all the stress. I somehow have to find a way to find that special place inside that I am missing. Seems like there is a lot missing, but I have to focus on the positive because in reality there is a lot of positive.
My kids are happy and we have such a great bond. My son is healthy and once again by the grace of God his counts are climbing upward. A friend of mine was visiting at my house and she commented on how much love there is in my home. I felt so bad for sometimes forgetting that, and for letting "life" get in the way. It's powerful to hear that from someone who comes in from the outside and looks in.
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year! I hope we can all learn how to slow down and live life and really enjoy it without all the distractions. I am going to make a commit to myself to get back to being ME and that starts by renewing my relationship with God.
I feel like I have lost myself along the way and in doing so I have lost a lot of what is important. I am not sure how, but somehow I am going to get back to that place....the 4th day.
GLYASDI,
Kayla
Monday, December 1, 2008
This site is my saving grace......
It's kind of nice to have a place where I can just be me, and not have to worry about who is or is not reading this. For example, I was going through some of Will's older journal posting, and I realized that many of them were very negative and filled with MY fears. They didn't really focus on Will that much. That why I decided to create my own Blog Spot, so I can say what I want, when I want and not worry about cluttering up Will's site with my opinions.
I have found myself in a really "rut" lately that I can't seem to get myself out of. I have found that over the past few months I have started eating a lot more, I am watching way more TV and I am spending way to my money (when I have it). My daily routine is eat and lay on the couch and watch reality shows that I could really care less about. My doctor told me last month that I have gained 30lbs since last year......and yet I keep shoveling it in! No motavation! No get-up-and-go! No Nothing.......
So yesterday I went to the YMCA to fill out the paper work to change my membership status. I have deffered it for four months in order to save money. I was going to cancel it, but the truth is I love going....when I can get my butt off the couch long enough to find my tennis shoes! So here is the deal.....I am giving myself three months. Begining today, I have until March 1st to get in gear. If I cannot or will not make the much needed changes then I will drop my memebership.
So my plan is to workout at LEAST three times a week (more would be great, but three is pushing it) and see what happens. I am not going to say I am giving up certain foods, so I am going to say I will "cut back" as much as possible. To be honest......along with hoping to fit back into my cute clothes, I REALLY just want to feel better. I have NO energy and no desire to do anything. So we will see what happens during the next three months.
Work is getting better. I have found that the less information I give about Will and our situation the better. They have no idea what all is going on inside my head and how many different directions I feel pulled in. The important thing is I go to work, I do my job well, and I stay off the radar.
Will is doing pretty good. He had a virus of some sort last week, and gave me a scare when he spiked a fever, but he is okay. I know how dangerous a serious infection can be right now so keeping him healthy is top priority. However that is pretty hard to do when he refuses to eat anything. I am hoping that things will change with Basketball season just around the corner. That is the one thing that seems to get him motivated. He will be playing on two different teams this year - one at his school and one at the YMCA. He is very excited.
Enough for today.....I will chat with you later.......
I have found myself in a really "rut" lately that I can't seem to get myself out of. I have found that over the past few months I have started eating a lot more, I am watching way more TV and I am spending way to my money (when I have it). My daily routine is eat and lay on the couch and watch reality shows that I could really care less about. My doctor told me last month that I have gained 30lbs since last year......and yet I keep shoveling it in! No motavation! No get-up-and-go! No Nothing.......
So yesterday I went to the YMCA to fill out the paper work to change my membership status. I have deffered it for four months in order to save money. I was going to cancel it, but the truth is I love going....when I can get my butt off the couch long enough to find my tennis shoes! So here is the deal.....I am giving myself three months. Begining today, I have until March 1st to get in gear. If I cannot or will not make the much needed changes then I will drop my memebership.
So my plan is to workout at LEAST three times a week (more would be great, but three is pushing it) and see what happens. I am not going to say I am giving up certain foods, so I am going to say I will "cut back" as much as possible. To be honest......along with hoping to fit back into my cute clothes, I REALLY just want to feel better. I have NO energy and no desire to do anything. So we will see what happens during the next three months.
Work is getting better. I have found that the less information I give about Will and our situation the better. They have no idea what all is going on inside my head and how many different directions I feel pulled in. The important thing is I go to work, I do my job well, and I stay off the radar.
Will is doing pretty good. He had a virus of some sort last week, and gave me a scare when he spiked a fever, but he is okay. I know how dangerous a serious infection can be right now so keeping him healthy is top priority. However that is pretty hard to do when he refuses to eat anything. I am hoping that things will change with Basketball season just around the corner. That is the one thing that seems to get him motivated. He will be playing on two different teams this year - one at his school and one at the YMCA. He is very excited.
Enough for today.....I will chat with you later.......
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